What does it mean to be the friend of God? What does it mean to walk with Him? What does it mean to love Him? What does it mean to be completely surrendered? I'm not sure that I know.

A while back, I gave everything to God. Now, I thought that I had given everything to God before then, but I truly hadn't. I was always holding onto something, whether it was the future, or my ministry, or Jake, I was always holding on. But, that one day, I took Isabella on a walk, and I screamed and cried and told God EVERYTHING that was in my heart. I told Him exactly what I wanted. I told Him exactly how I felt. I told Him exactly what I thought of Him. I kept nothing back. I threw open the doors to every corner of my heart and let Him see it all. It was a frightening experience. I was completely honest with God. I told Him that He made me mad. I let Him know that I wished to die rather than to not get what I wanted. We have these feelings anyway....why not tell them to God? He is a very patient listener. When it all came down to it, though, He showed me something. He showed me that I had things in my heart, my idols, and I had Him. My idols always, 100% of the time failed me when I sought comfort from them. God was always there to comfort. He showed me that even though it hurt when He took my idols and left a hole in my heart, that He is more than sufficient to fill the hole. (He is even big enough to fill a Jacob sized hole in my heart!) This one thing I know - on that afternoon, God walked beside me. He truly did. I did not find out any answers to the future, but I was happy living in the present, because God is in my present. He is in my future too, but He walks with me today, not tomorrow. I felt as though I finally understood what it was to be the friend of God. I felt like He knew every bit of me, and I wanted to know every bit of Him. Words canot describe the feelings of that moment in my life. It was as if God was there with me. It was as if I could hear His voice, I could feel Hid arm holding me up, helping me to make it through. It was as if I had at last found my rest. How I long for that to be my daily life! How I long to know God the way that I did that afternoon! Why have I forgotten Him? I asked Him if I could walk with Him always, every day the way that we did in that lonely parking lot. He said I could, but I would have to keep talking to HIm and try to know Him.

I dropped the ball. Somewhere along the line, I took my idols, polished them all up again and placed them on the shelf, while I took God and said that He could have the backseat again. I tried to make my plans. I tried to figure it out for myself. It failed once again. You would think that I would learn. You would think...

God, Give me the strength to love you. Give me the courage to let go of my idols. Give me the wisdom to follow You no matter what. I'm so sorry, Lord.....

God alone is able to take away our pain. He is able to take away our fears, and He is willing that we should be happy! Can we even comprehend the fact that no matter what, God loves us?

Jake determined that it is God's will for him to join the Marines. As I am writing, he is getting the final hours of sleep before he goes and takes an oath to serve his country for at least four years. I have struggled, and struggled, and struggled over this. I know it sounds crazy, but I have had to give myself back to God through this trial. I know what I wanted. I wanted him to stay here and finish college. Isn't that what he intended to do? Why would God tell him to waste four years of his life in the military when he could be serving God right here like he has been doing? He could finish school, we could get married, raise a good family, and eventually find our mission field and serve together in it for the rest of our lives. That was my plan. God changed it. Why?

I have had to struggle with thoughts of him dying in the war. Certainly, that is a valid concern. My grandfather died in Vietnam leaving my 23 year old grandmother a widow with two children. I have had to struggle with thoughts of war changing him and affecting him. Will I even know him when this nightmare is over? Will he change for the worse? I have had to struggle with ministry. Is he running from God? Will he go into ministry? Was he ever truly called? I have had to struggle with letting go. What will I do? How can I go on without him? What about my ministry? I've never had my own minstry without him here to help me.

Would you like to know what God told me about all of these questions, and the thousands of others that have raced through my mind? He told me NOTHING. He said  that I didn't need to know any of these things. He said to give it to Him and let Him work it out. I have had to let go of my love, my hopes, my dreams, my future, and every bit of my security, and you know what? I feel more free than ever. I find that through giving up what I thought was best and trusting God with the future (which He happens to see at this very moment anyway), I have perfect peace! It's funny how my life is more topsy-turvey than it has ever been before, and more uncertain, and yet I have this unquenchable peace. I have let go of the love of my life, and God has replaced him with His love. I have placed my future in my Father's hands, and I find that living today is easier without thoughts of tomorrow. I find that no matter how uncertain all of it is, I still know that God is upholding me with the right hand of His righteousness.

God is in my future. He sees my downsittings and my uprisings. He understands my thoughts before I think them. He surrounds me on my journey. He knows every detail of my daily life. He knows every word that proceeds from my mouth before I even think it. His hand is upon me, and He guides my path.

All of the things that people have told me all of my life have played out in my own situation in the last week. "Prayer changes things." This is a true statement, but I have never felt the true effects of prayer until this week. I told some of my dearest friends the situation, and asked them to pray. Have you any idea how wonderful it is to go through a trial as big as this one knowing that there is a network of people behind you petitioning God on your behalf? I can feel God lifting me up when people pray.

God is good. His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endureth to all generations! Praise the LORD!